It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

Give & Take

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later a cop comes in for a haircut and, when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

What’s In  A Name?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for
valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus’.

Just Not Cricket

A policeman in Johannesburg pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of
the traffic.He approached the car window and said “Sir I need you to blow into this
breathalyzer”.

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor’s note.On it was written:”This man suffers from chronic asthma. Please do not make him perform any action
that may leave him short of breath”.

The policeman said “Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample”The man produced another letter.This one said:”This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way”.

So the officer said: “Right, I need a urine sample then”.The man produces a third letter from his pocket.It read:”This man plays cricket for Australia ; please don’t take the piss out of him”

According to The Free Dictionary http://www.thefreedictionary.com/ ; eureka is an interjection “used to express triumph upon finding or discovering something”. Legend has it that it comes from the Greek word uttered by Archimedes upon discovering how to measure the volume of an irregular solid and thereby determine the purity of a gold object. In Australia, it became an common expression of triumph when a digger discovered gold during the gold rush era. So why name a 297 metre high building in Southbank Eureka Tower? After the Eureka Stockade of course! What could be more obvious? Well, I wasn’t there for the obvious; rather to take another giant step in conquering my acrophobia (the abnormal fear of high places). Pretext was a family day out, the kids were just dying to do the Eureka Skydeck and I was just thinking about the dying. A survivor of my recent helicopter flight over Melbourne, and indeed right past Eureka Tower, with Heli Experiences; I was determined to put my unreasonable, irrational and totally real fear aside and in doing so push out my personal frontiers. Well, push them up 297 metres anyway.

It towers above!

So large that it attracts abnormally large insects.

Makes Government House look like a cake decoration.

The Shrine of Remembrance like an ornamental garden.

Yes, I did actually travel the 88 floors to the Skydeck.

We even went back that night to do it again in the dark.

Helicopter flights, Eureka Skydeck; what else could I do to continue climbing the staircase to freedom from acrophobia? Well, 9th wedding anniversary on October 12 was an occasion celebrated by the exchange of unusual presents. Vicky and I gave each other tickets for a flight in a hot air balloon over the Yarra Valley. The plan is to take that flight in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Stay tuned.

It’s well known amongst my family that I have certain phobias, like acrophobia (the abnormal fear of high places). So, my Fathers Day present from daughter Jacqui did come as a bit of a surprise; a helicopter ride over Melbourne with Heli Experiences. Her assertion that “I know your’re afraid of heights Dad but this is really safe.” did nothing to reassure me. But what is life if not a series of opportunities to conquer one’s fears and engage in new experiences?

Jacqui came out to Essendon Airport with me on the fateful day. Ostensibly to take some pic’s and whether intentionally or not to help me face my fears. And face them I did (said out-loud with a Winston Churchill kind of voice).

Daniel about to enter the lion's den.

On small step for most of mankind, a very large one for me.

Locked in. No way out or back.

Goodbye cruel world.

Ready for take-off, or as ready as I'll ever be,

Away we go.

Into the wild blue yonder.

The new Stew strides purposefully away from the chopper having conquered his nemesis!

The really strange thing was that it wasn’t scary. It felt like we slowly ascended into the sky and drifted even more slowly across it over Docklands, the City, Eureka Tower, MCG, Government House and countless other landmarks. (Melbourne sure has a lot of parks.) Once I had figured out the dials on the chopper dash in front of me, I realised we were flying at 1,500 metres and “cruising” at 100 knots; that’s around 180 kph!

And the next challenge? Well, thinking I should build on conquering the abnormal fear of high places thing. Maybe that sign on the side of the chopper has a message for me. A message telling me that Eureka Skydeck would be a fitting test of my fortitude and resolve.

Stay tuned for the next episode!